The Role Reversal Hypothesis
by anna-garny
Summary: Exactly what it says on the tin. Total AU and everyone is quite OOC, in fact, virtually mirror images of those shown on TV.
1. Chapter 1

This is a plot bunny that bit. Hard. It's totally AU and therefore mostly completely out of character.

I am actively looking for a co-writer (or five) for this one, I'm considering going totally off-canon after this (I mean, this version of Sheldon wouldn't break into anyone's apartment to clean, but some of the later episodes might work) or picking and choosing bits of episodes to integrate into this story.

Anyway, reviews are love, and I hope you all enjoy it!

**The Role Reversal Hypothesis**

"Lee, we are not donating sperm."

"Come on, I really want T-1 bandwith in the apartment."

"Sheldon..."

"Oh, dammit, don't fracking call me that! Fine, I'll pick up a couple of extra shifts at the restaurant instead. The manager keeps asking me to tend bar on Saturdays, I guess I can do that."

"You know damn well that your tips from two Saturdays a month will more than pay for the upgrade."

Leonard managed to drag his lanky roommate away from the message board in the hallway of the university they both worked in, attempting to divert his attention away from the flyer advertising the high-IQ sperm bank downtown.

Leonard Hofstadter was an experimental physicist at CalTech, having acquired his PhD against his mothers' wishes, an act of defiance that had turned into a career that he'd been surprised to find both enjoyable and fulfilling. Living in California was mostly a bonus, keeping him a trans-continental flight away from his overbearing mother and allowing him to indulge in various pastimes, including surfing, that he'd never been able to fully engage in while living in New Jersey.

Sheldon 'Call me Lee or I'll sucker-punch you' Cooper was his roommate, having made his way through college at CalTech on a football scholarship and been recruited directly into the physics department after a devastating injury to his achilles tendon just weeks after he'd completed his own PhD. Leonard had moved in with him not long after the injury, when his previous roommate had left in disgust at Lee's downward spiral into depression and the constant, unreasonable demands that the once-was-a-star football player was making on his time.

Two of the smartest guys in the university were also universally adored by most of the grad students, and each cashed in on it often enough that there were warnings about '5A, 2311 Los Robles' posted in more than one of the ladies' bathrooms on campus. Their reputations, unfortunately, preceded them in a lot of instances, but that didn't stop them from each dating a series of women.

The pair of them walked up the stairs towards their apartment, Lee shooting Leonard his usual, patented, 'Glare of Death' as they passed the omnipresent OUT OF ORDER sign on the elevator door, and Leonard, as usual, ignored it. Admittedly, it was technically his fault that the elevator no longer worked, but Lee was hardly free from blame. It had been his idea, or rather, his quick-thinking, that had led to the unstable rocket fuel being dumped into the elevator shaft, but it had been Leonard's incorrect equations that had caused it to be unstable in the first place.

It wasn't until they got to the fourth floor that they noticed anything amiss.

The door of the apartment opposite theirs was open, and there was a blonde woman visible through the aperture, wiping a straggly lock of hair out of her face as she set a large box down on the kitchen counter.

Leonard waggled his eyebrows at Lee, who rolled his eyes before commenting.

"New neighbor."

"Significant improvement over the old neighbor." Leonard countered, eyeing the girl extracting colorful crockery from a box labelled 'KITCHEN'.

"A 200-pound transvestite with a skin condition? Yeah, she is." Lee told him, stooping down to pick up one of the boxes from the hallway before stepping in front of Leonard to stick his head through the door.

"Afternoon, miss."

The blonde almost jumped over the counter, startled by his voice.

"Hi." she turned to face the two men hovering on her threshold, her voice low and timid.

Taking this as an invitation, Lee stepped into the apartment and placed the box on the floor in the middle of the mostly-empty apartment.

"Hi there. I'm Lee, this is my roommate Leonard." he extended his hand towards their new neighbor and she rounded the counter, eyes downcast, before catching his hand and shaking it quickly, withdrawing her fingers as quickly as was polite and wiping her hand on her jean shorts.

"Penny. Penny Olson. Soon to be Doctor Penny Olson, but I have to finish my PhD, first."

"Great to meet you. Did you need help with anything else?" Lee asked, the Southern Gentleman that his mother and Mee-maw had drummed into him his entire life kicking in before he could stop himself.

"Uh, well, there's a few boxes in the hall, thanks..."

Lee stepped back past Leonard and picked up another box, toting it past his static roommate and into the kitchen of the small space. Leonard followed his progress, before turning his attention back to the new neighbor.

"We've got Indian food, if you haven't had lunch, yet?" Leonard asked, holding up the brown paper bag he'd been toting up the stairs.

"Lunch would be great, I haven't had Indian food, yet, this week."

"Well, come on over, we live across the hall." Lee gestured towards Penny's still open door, and she paused for a moment, before nodding.

"That would be agreeable, although I can only stay for half an hour, I need to contact the building manager, my shower isn't working and I've been hauling things up these stairs all morning, I'm afraid I might be rather pungent company."

"You can use our shower." Leonard volunteered.

"She can?" Lee asked, one eyebrow raised, trying to convey something to Leonard without speaking. He failed, miserably.

"Yes, she can." Leonard told him, nodding to emphasize his point.

"Oh, I don't know if that would be appropriate, I only just met you..." Penny mused.

"Think of it as a welcome-to-the-building present." Leonard told her.

"I can call Ralph for you, I've got him on speed-dial." Lee put in, winding around Penny and Leonard, still sort of paused in the doorway. He picked up Penny's ironing board and bought it into the apartment, leaning it against the wall next to her bedroom door.

"Alright, then. You have clean towels?" Leonard nodded. "And you're certain there will be enough food for the three of us if I join you?"

"God, yes. Lee always orders way too much from Mumbai Palace." Leonard told her, stepping back from the doorway to allow their new neighbor enough space to step past him, and Lee, showing off the stealth skills that had won him several paintball matches, somehow managed to beat both of them to the door and held it open, smiling at Penny as she entered their apartment.

"So, what is there to do for fun around here?" Penny asked, surveying the room and noting the multiple grease-boards. Her initial impression of the two men was immediately challenged - there was a board right next to the refrigerator that, if she wasn't mistaken, had fragments of String Theory, a spoof of the Bourne-Oppenheimer approximation and some quantum mechanics scrawled on it.

She stifled a laugh at the joke on the board and Lee smirked at Leonard, who took a seat in the linen armchair and pulled the foil containers out of the paper sack, setting them out on the coffee table, trying to ignore the fact that Penny had obviously understood the joke on Lee's board, while ignoring the equally complex (in his own opinion) humor on his own grease-board behind the couch.

"Are you both physicists?" Penny asked, sitting herself in the centre of the couch as Lee cracked one of the containers, screwing up his nose and handing the Lamb Kahari over to Leonard, reaching for what he hoped would be his preferred Saag Paneer or Chicken Vindaloo.

"Yeah, I'm in experimental physics at Cal Tech." Leonard put in, before Lee could even open his mouth. "I'm actually doing some really interesting work at the moment, you should come by sometime and see the lab."

"Oh, I'd like that, and I'll certainly see if I can make time in my schedule to visit the physics department."

"You said you were getting your PhD, what field?" Lee asked, grinning as he found the Saag Paneer and tearing the lid off it, digging in with a gusto that made his lactose-intolerant roommate want to gag.

"Chemical engineering. I finished my undergraduate work at the University of Nebraska, but the PhD there wasn't as focused as I wanted, so I moved out here. Then, of course, six months shy of finishing my doctorate I found out that my boyfriend of three years has been cheating on me. So, while trying to finish my doctoral thesis, I was forced to move."

Penny said all this so matter-of-factly that it took both men, although their combined IQ was well north of 300, a few seconds to decipher the fact that the only reason Penny was living across the hall from them at all was because she'd just gotten out of a long-term relationship.

"Oh, man, that sucks." Leonard was first to make the connection, and Lee quickly agreed with him.

"It's not so bad, really." Penny told them, leaning back on the couch. "I mean, now I have my own space, and time to work on my thesis without constant interruptions. I'll still have to go to work, obviously, although I may need to find another job somewhere closer than Burbank."

"What's your current job?" Lee asked, pausing in his appreciation of his cheesy-spinach lunch, thinking of the fact that his manager had been moaning about a lack of decent waitstaff lately.

"I'm a waitress at the Olive Garden, on North Victory Place?"

"Yeah, I know that one. How long have yo been waiting tables?"

"Since I moved to California, it was the mot convenient job I could find that allowed me to continue my studies."

"So, three and a half years?"

"Yes, three years, eight months."

"Well, I'm a waiter and bartender at the Cheesecake Factory, down on West Colorado. I can put in a good word with my manager if you'd like a job closer to home."

"Really? Oh, Lee, that would be fantastic!"

"No trouble."

Penny thought for a moment, as she took a mouthful of the Chicken Vindaloo she'd selected for her lunch, and after she'd swallowed, voiced another question.

"Your main source of income is as a waiter and bartender?"

"Oh, no, I'm part of the theoretical physics department at Cal Tech. I just work at the Cheesecake Factory for my play money."

"Play money?"

"You know, movies, candy, comic books. Incidentals."

"You read comic books?"

"I started when I tore my Achilles tendon, I was off my feet for two months. Leonard loaned me some old X-Men editions and I got hooked."

"I suppose we all need our vices."

"What's your vice, Penny?" Leonard put in, beginning to feel as if he were being edged out of the conversation.

"Well, it used to be cable television, but given my current financial status I don't think I'll be able to afford to get it connected in my new place, much less get a decent Wi-fi connection. I may be reliant on the schools' internet for the next few months."

"You can always use our Wi-fi, I'm sure the signal will stretch across the hallway, it works on the second floor." Lee told her.

"How do you know it works on the second floor?" Leonard asked, his eyebrows drawn towards his hairline again.

"I did some troubleshooting for Mrs Vartebedian after one of her grandsons downloaded a virus onto her computer. Remember, she made us those oatmeal-raisin cookies?"

"Oh, right."

"You'd really allow me access to your Wi-fi?"

"Why not? It's not like you're going to hog the bandwith, are you?" Lee had almost finished his paneer at this stage, and was eyeing the second container of Chicken Vindaloo still sitting, unopened on the coffee table.

"I can assure you, I would do my best to keep my usage reasonable. I would reimburse you, of course-"

"Don't be silly, I pay for it with my tips. I'll give you the password before you go home."

"Well, thank-you." The three of them ate in silence for a few minutes, Leonard and Lee exchanging the odd glance over their new neighbor's blonde head. Lee had just opened his mouth to speak when Penny put down the tinfoil container she'd been eating from, looked at her watch and turned to face Leonard.

"If you don't mind, I'd like to take you up on the offer of the use of your shower."

"Sure, it's straight down the hall."

"Thanks, you guys are really sweet."

She stood up and stepped past Leonard, disappearing into the bathroom. Lee spoke the moment the door was closed.

"Well, this certainly is an interesting development." He got to his feet and went to the refrigerator, pulling out two bottles of orange soda and popping both tops.

"How so?"

"It's been a while since a woman's taken her clothes off in our apartment."

"Hey, I know I'm in a dry spell-"

"How long?" He handed Leonard one of the bottles, an eyebrow raised.

"Oh, come on, it hasn't been that long!"

"Leonard, I live with you, and I have an eidetic memory. You're coming up on eight months."

"So?"

"So, the woman in our shower is not going to have sex with you."

"What? I'm not trying to have sex with her."

"Good, that means you won't be disappointed."

"Hang on, what makes you think she wouldn't have sex with me? I'm a reasonably attractive male specimen and she's certainly an attractive female."

"Leonard, you're not the same species."

"Oh, come on, you know I'm just trying to be a good neighbor."

"Yeah, right."

"That's not to say that if she were open to a carnal relationship, I wouldn't participate."

"However briefly." Lee finished for him, earning a glower from his roommate as he leaned against the pillar next to the end of the hallway, gazing down towards the bathroom door.

"Yeah, well, how badly is the Luke Skywalker shampoo going to affect your chances?"

"It's Darth Vader shampoo, Luke Skywalker's the conditioner."

There was a knock at the door and Leonard went to open it.

"Wait 'til you see this."

"It's fantastic, unbelievable."

Howard Wolowitz and Rajesh Koothrappalli came into the apartment, Howard brandishing a DVD and Raj flicking his dark hair out of his face, grinning at Lee who rolled his eyes.

"See what?"

"It's a Stephen Hawking lecture from MIT in 1974."

"Oh, come on, this isn't a good time." Leonard protested, but Raj was already in the kitchen, perusing drink options and Howard had loaded the disc into the DVD player before he had even voiced his objection.

"C'mon, it's *before he became the creepy computer voice*." Howard told him, flicking his lips with his finger as he spoke, emulating the infamous physicist.

"Yeah, that's great. You guys have to leave. Now."

"What? Why?" Raj asked, pulling out a bottle of water.

"It's just not a good time." Leonard muttered, determined to get his hound-dog friends out of the apartment before Penny emerged from the shower. Raj and Howard were great, once people got to know them, but they both had a tendency to treat women as somewhat disposable, and Leonard didn't want Penny's initial impression of his friends to be that of a pair of jerks.

"Leonard has a lady over." Lee told them, practically dripping sarcasm. "Not that he has a chance with her, because she's totally into me."

"What?" Howard demanded, almost dropping the DVD remote. "You're on the verge of breaking your dry spell?"

"No, she's just a new neighbor."

"Hang on, there's actually a woman here? In the daytime?"

"Yes, Howard. In the daytime."

"And you're anticipating..."

"I'm not anticipating anything-"

"So she's available?"

"She's not available, Wolowitz, she just got out of a long-term relationship and she certainly doesn't need your brand of cologne rubbed all over her." Lee put in from his spot on the couch.

"Yours either." Lee told Raj, forestalling him even as he opened his mouth.

Just then, the bathroom door opened and Penny stepped into the hall, wrapped in Lee dark grey cotton bathrobe. The tallest man in the room bit back a grin as Leonard frowned, and Penny came to an abrupt halt at the end of the hall when she saw that the number of men in the apartment had doubled in her absence.

"Guys, how do you get it to switch from tub to shower- oh. Hello."

"Hello there."

"Enchante, mademoiselle. Howard Wolowitz, Cal Tech department of Applied Physics. You may be familiar with some of my work, it's currently orbiting Jupiter's largest moon, taking high-resolution digital photographs?"

Howard stepped over to her and didn't seem to notice as she shrank back, clutching Lee's robe tighter about herself as he leaned against the wall, tilting his head at her.

Lee noticed her discomfort, and got to his feet.

"Come on, I'll show you the trick with the shower." He stepped past Wolowitz, delivering him a surreptitious kick to the ankle as he did, but that didn't stop Howard calling out as Penny followed him down the hall.

"Bonne douche!"

"Merci, monseiur." she shot back over her shoulder, and Howard staggered back, slightly.

"She speaks French?"

"Apparently." Leonard resumed his seat in the armchair and Raj settled back on the stool next to the kitchen island, biding his time.

In the bathroom, Lee pulled back their periodic table shower curtain (a gift from his sister when she'd found out that he was taking 'science-y' classes at college) and spun the water to hot, before using both hands to jiggle the knob on the top of the faucet until it disengaged, sending the water through the other pipe and out through the shower head.

"It gets jammed sometimes, I think I've used about three cans of WD-40 and it still sticks."

"Okay, thanks."

Penny stepped into the shower and drew the curtain, shrugging out of his robe and tossing it up to hang over the curtain rod.

"Oh, okay, you're just going to jump right in there..." Lee muttered, mostly to himself. He was about 95% sure that Penny wouldn't be able to hear him over the water.

"Is this yours?" she asked, sticking a hand around the curtain and tugging at the collar of the robe.

"Yeah."

"You don't mind me wearing it? I can wash it, if you'd like, although I'm not sure what the machines are like in this building..."

"It's fine. There's Herbal Essences behind Darth Vader, my sister left them here last time she visited." He pulled his robe off the curtain rod and hung it up next to the door, then took a fluffy red towel from beneath the sink and tossed it up in its' place.

"Oh, thanks. Who does Darth Vader belong to?"

"Leonard. I'll leave you to it, then." He stepped over towards the door, but stopped when Penny spoke again.

"Huh. Oh, Lee?"

"Yes?"

"Thank-you for this."

"Not a problem. If you need anything else, let me know."

"Well... do either of you have a truck?"

"Yeah, I've got a Ranger. Why?"

"Well, there are a few things still at Kurt's place that I couldn't fit in the Volkswagen."

"What things?"

"Well, my sofa and a TV. I can come with you and help get around Kurt-"

"Oh, come on, Penny. I know how it is with breakups. Give me the address, I'll get Leonard to come with me and we'll go pick them up for you this afternoon."

"I suppose..."

"I insist. And I'll threaten Howard and Raj with grievous bodily harm if they try anything untoward."

"You really are a genuine southern gentleman, aren't you, Lee?"

"Born and raised in East Texas, Miss-soon-to-be-Doctor Olson. It's in my blood."

"Thank-you, Lee."

"You're welcome."

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"Why the hell did you agree to this, Lee?" Leonard demanded, sitting in the passenger seat of the Ranger and glaring at his roommate.

"Because you wanted to be good neighbors."

"Yeah, but I didn't imagine that would involve leaving her alone in our apartment with Howard and Raj. Those two are so pushy she'll probably never speak to us again after leaving her alone with them all afternoon."

"Oh, come on, this will only take an hour."

"Lee, we have no idea who we'll be dealing with."

"His name is Kurt and he works at a gym. How bad can it be?"

Pretty bad, it eventuated.

Kurt decided immediately upon hearing Lee's voice through the speaker that he was Penny's new boyfriend, and was therefore to be summarily ignored.

After Leonard and Lee followed a pair of Girl Scouts through the glass doors and made it up to Kurt's apartment, Penny's ex-boyfriend was revealed to be three inches taller than Lee, and a good thirty pounds more muscular.

"Look, Kurt, we're not here to fight you. Penny just moved in across the hall from us and asked us to bring my truck and pick up her sofa and TV."

"That TV is mine, and I tossed the sofa in the Dumpster this morning. Get lost."

"Come on, man, you didn't seriously put her sofa in the trash?" Leonard asked, incredulous.

"She walked out, so I tossed her stuff."

"Come on Leonard, this guy's a jerk. Not worth our time." Lee commented, turning his back on Kurt and began to leave.

"Who are you calling a jerk, stretch?"

Lee ignored him, continuing to turn away, until Kurt stepped forward and caught him by the shoulder.

"Hey, I asked you a question!"

Lee pulled away and before Leonard could react Kurt had drawn his fist back and slammed it straight into Lee's nose.

"Ah! Hey! What the hell?"

"Dude! Not cool!"

"That's what you get for calling me a jerk, jackass!" Kurt stepped back into the apartment and slammed the door shut in Leonard's face.

Lee's hands were on his face, trying to stop the blood gushing out of his nose from getting onto his shirt, and after a few fruitless pounds on the apartment door, Leonard caught his elbow and led him back towards the elevator.

"You've got a first-aid kit in the truck, right?"  
>"Mom insisted."<br>"Good. Come on, Penny will be okay without a TV for a couple of days."

"What about her couch?"  
>"She can sit on ours until we find her another one on Craigslist, people are always giving away furniture on there. Come on, let's get you home."<p>

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"Oh my god, what happened?" Penny leapt up from the couch, where she had been sandwiched between Raj showing her digital photos of the planetary body he'd discovered earlier in the year on Leonard's laptop, and Howard hitting on her in six different languages, which she rebuffed with as much tact as she could muster, unsure if he was joking or not.

"Well, we met your ex-boyfriend."

"Lee, are you okay?" She skipped across the room and laid a gentle hand on his shoulder, peering into his face and wincing when she saw the purple bruise emerging on the bridge of his nose.

"Yeah, my sister used to do worse to me back in kindergarten. At least I'll have a good story to go with the shiners, this time."

"This time?" Penny latched onto his deflection.

"Last time it was because he thwacked himself in the face with a loofah mitt on an elastic string."

"And I got soap in my eyes, which didn't help. Sorry we couldn't get your TV, or the sofa."  
>"Oh, don't worry about that, as long as you're both okay. Tell you what, how about I buy you dinner tonight?"<p>

"Oh, that sounds great. I know this fantastic little sushi place that does karaoke." Howard put in.

"Sushi and karaoke, sound like a good treatment for black eyes, Lee?"  
>"It'll have to do."<p>

Raj spoke up. "I'll drive, the Camaro seats five."


	2. Chapter 2

"What is that?" Lee demanded, looking up from his laptop as his roommate came into the apartment, brandishing a large brown paper bag.

"Scratching post."  
>"No."<br>"Oh, come on, can't we just get one?"

"We're not getting a cat just because you're in the middle of a dry spell."

"It's not because of that."

"Is it because Penny bought a guy home?"

"Hey, I didn't like the look of him."

"Just because he was taller than you-"

"Not just that, she only broke up with Kurt five weeks ago, and she told me herself she's not ready to date, yet."  
>"Who says she's dating him?"<br>"They were making out against her door."

"So what? I make out with chicks against their apartment doors all the time and I'm not dating anyone."  
>"You are also a man-whore."<p>

"Thank-you."  
>"That's not a compliment, Lee."<br>"Ah, but I always take it as one. Especially coming from you or Howard."

Leonard sat down on the other end of the couch, tucking the paper bag from Pet Palace underneath the coffee table.

"Can we make a deal?" he asked his roommate before he could get too immersed in the football statistics again.

"What kind of deal?"

"I know we've got the whole agreement about not dating certain people…"  
>"Yeah, people we work with and people we live within shouting distance of."<br>"Can I get an exception?"  
>"Not for Penny."<p>

"No, not for Penny."

"Well then, who?"  
>"The only reason I haven't been looking for a girlfriend at the university is because of our agreement, but Leslie wore a skirt into the lab the other day."<br>"Is she shaving her legs again?"

"Why is that relevant?"  
>"Because it's October, and if my sister's knowledge serves me well, which it always does when it comes to women, if she's shaving her legs at this time of year, she's looking to get some." Lee told him, before turning his attention back to the laptop screen.<p>

Leonard considered this.

"You wouldn't object to me asking Leslie out?"  
>"Nope. Just give me some notice about when she's going to be here, we haven't been able to stay in the same room without shouting since that time I kissed her in the cafeteria and told her she had good child-bearing hips."<p>

"How was she supposed to take that as anything but an insult?"

"Hey, other women take it as a compliment."

"Women in the humanities department, maybe. Not physicists."

"Whatever. Just give me a heads up if she's going to be here."

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"You're asking me out?" Leslie looked up from her Cup-O-Noodles as Leonard suggested he take her to dinner.

"Well, yeah. We're already friends, why not?"

"I thought you and the jock had an agreement about not dating women you work with?"

"We do, but he agreed to an exception."  
>"Huh."<p>

"So? What do you think?"

"I don't know, Leonard. I mean, we have lunch together all the time. Why don't we just try kissing, without all the extra social protocols?"

"We could do that, sure. Now?"

"Why not?"

"Oh, okay. Give me a second." He pulled his gum out of his mouth and tossed it into the trash can, before stepping over to his co-worker. He took a deep breath… he hadn't been this nervous last time he'd kissed anyone, surely? And pressed his mouth to hers.

Dammit.

"Anything?" he asked, drawing back from her.

"Good technique, I'll admit, but I don't think we've got much chemistry. Sorry Leonard."

"Oh, well. Maybe next time."

"Thanks anyway, and if its' any consolation, I can see why there's warnings about you on the ladies' room wall."

Leonard grinned at her before biting his lip.

Back to the drawing board.

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"No, Leonard. You're not asking Penny out."  
>"Come on, she'll never say yes."<br>"Don't care. No."

"Can I at least ask her who the guy was?"

"It was probably just a rebound."

"Come on, Lee."  
>"Dammit, Leonard. No."<p>

"Fine, can I just ask her out for dinner as a friend?"

"Only if you make it crystal clear that it's just as friends. I don't want to have to move because you two can't stand to see each other on the stairs."

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"Hey, Penny, when are you working this week?" Leonard asked Penny, greeting her at the mailbox.  
>"Well, tomorrow is my last shift at the Olive Garden, I start at the Cheesecake Factory on Tuesday."<p>

"So you're free Monday?"

"Yeah, I am."  
>"Well, I thought we could go for dinner somewhere? Lee's working, Howard always has dinner with his Mom on Mondays and Raj just got himself a new grad- girlfriend, so we won't be seeing much of him this week."<p>

"Oh, that would be excellent. I still haven't tried the Soup Plantation around the corner, and it would be nice to go with someone else rather than getting my usual take-out for one."  
>"Sure thing. Meet you there at seven?"<p>

"Great."

They walked up the stairs together and when they got to the fourth floor, Penny seemed to remember something.

"Oh, are you guys free tomorrow? Around two?"

"Well, it'll be Saturday, so I'm not at work, and Sheldon doesn't have to be at work until five. What's going on?"  
>"I'm finally getting a new couch and TV unit delivered, but I couldn't turn down my last shift at the Olive Garden."<p>

"Yeah, we'll be here."  
>"Well, here's my spare key, okay?"<p>

"Okay."

The next afternoon, Leonard and Lee were in the lobby, having signed for the delivery of a small green couch and a large IKEA box containing a flat-packed TV unit.

They were arguing over who got to go backwards up the stairs and who got to carry the 'heavy end' of each item.

"Fine, fine. You get the heavy end of the couch and I get the heavy end of the TV unit." Leonard finally conceded.

"Fair is fair." Lee picked up the couch and waited for Leonard to get the other end and start walking backwards up the stairs.

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"You guys assembled my TV unit?" For some reason, Penny didn't sound overjoyed.

"Well, yeah. We figured since we dragged it up four flights of stairs we might as well be able to get rid of the trash."

"Oh, well. Thanks."

"Did we cross a line?" Lee asked, thinking about how he'd organized her DVD collection.

"No, just, I prefer my DVDs organized by director, not title."

"Good to know."  
>"Well, thanks. Now all I have to do is get a TV that will fit into it."<br>"Speaking of that… I may have a solution." Lee put in. Leonard looked over at his lanky roommate and narrowed his eyes. What was Lee up to?

"A solution?"  
>"Well, I've got a 37-inch flat-screen in my bedroom, but I never use it. You can have that, if you like."<p>

"Oh, Lee, I don't know, you already got me the job, and you helped with my car… plus I'm using your wi-fi."  
>"I insist. At least until your income is steady enough that you can replace it, okay?"<p>

Leonard looked at Lee, incredulous. It wasn't in Cooper's nature to be so gregarious, but Penny didn't seem to be aware of that. In fact, the Lee Cooper that Penny knew was apparently a generous, helping kind of guy.

"Lee, can I talk to you for a second?"

"Sure, Leonard. What's up?"  
>"In the hall?"<p>

"Not a problem." Lee followed his shorter roommate into the hallway and closed Penny's apartment door behind him, noting with some amusement that she hadn't actually made a move to start rearranging her DVD collection.

"What are you doing?" Leonard demanded of Lee the moment the door was closed.

"Loaning Penny my TV. Like I said, I never use it."  
>"You also refused to let me move it into my bedroom when I had the flu."<br>"So?"  
>"So? You and I have an agreement, Sheldon! We don't date anyone in the building!"<p>

Lee winced at the use of his first name, but held his ground.

"I'm not trying to date her, Leonard, I'm just trying to be a good neighbor."  
>"Yeah, well, don't try so hard, okay?"<p>

"Or what?"  
>"Or I'll tell her about Soft Kitty."<br>Lee's eyes narrowed.

"You wouldn't dare."

"Oh, yes I would."

Lee stared at his roommate for a few more seconds before he finally broke.

"Fine, I'll back off. But I already offered the TV, I'm not reneging on a promise."

"Whatever, just try not to fall into bed with her while you're setting it up."


	3. Chapter 3

"How did you manage to get fired within five minutes of meeting the new department head?" Leonard demanded of Lee as they exited the university, Lee carrying his personal items in a file box. It wasn't until Lee began to speak that Leonard realized he need not have asked.

Lee was, to put it lightly, hammered.

"He's a jerk!"

"What did you say?" Leonard sighed, rolling his eyes. Lee, drunk, was never fin to deal with.

"I told him he was overrated."

"And that was enough reason to fire you?" Leonard was skeptical. Gabelhouser looked like an ex-jock himself, surely he wouldn't mind having a fellow meat-head around? But then again, Lee wasn't a typical meat-head.  
>"That and I asked him when he was going to go back to teaching high school physics, because that's what he's best qualified for seeing as he hasn't done any original research in twenty years. Oh, and if his new research was going to be any better than my work lighting farts on fire."<p>

"That would be the clincher, wouldn't it?" Leonard pointed out.

"Yeah, well, I'll be fine. Get in the truck."

"Yeah, you're not driving. Keys?" Leonard shoved Lee away from the drivers' seat of the Ranger and around the hood, folding his lanky roommate into the passenger seat, clutching his box of tricks. "Come on, Lee, you were making sand mandalas when I met you because you were so bored confined to those crutches. I think the job in the physics department might have saved your sanity."

"Leonard, I'll be fine. I can run, now, and I've got the job at the restaurant."  
>"Yeah, yeah. Right. Well, at least we got to meet Howard's new girlfriend before Gabelhouser canned you."<p>

"She seemed nice. I'm amazed that he managed to find a woman shorter than him, though."  
>"We all were."<p>

"And what did you think of Raj, still hitting on those undergrads?"

"Hey, if he thinks he's got a shot, I'm not going to tell him that they couldn't understand his accent."

"Good point. Did you see Penny tonight?" Leonard asked.  
>"Oh, dammit Leonard. I thought we agreed about Penny." Even drunk as he was, Lee didn't want to discuss their blonde neighbor.<br>"No, you called dibs on her after we went to karaoke that first night and I had to point out that we have a standing agreement about dating people who live in our building. We had that same discussion last week after you'd organized her DVD's and given her your old TV."  
>"We both agreed to back off, if I remember rightly." Lee added.<p>

"Fine, whatever, neither of us is going to hit on her. But did you see her?"  
>"No, I didn't, and I'm not surprised, either, she works in a different department and had no reason to be there. Besides, she knew Howard was coming, and she's scared of him."<p>

"I was kind of hoping…"  
>"Oh, come on, Leonard, give it up. She's not interested in you, and she only just broke up with her last boyfriend. At least give her some time to get over him before you try anything."<br>"Yeah, yeah, you're right. Okay, let's get home. Just promise me that you won't make any mandalas? The sand takes ages to clean up, I swear I'm still finding it in the rugs now."

"No mandalas. But I'm going for a run in the morning."

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"You've been where?" Leonard was wrapped in his robe, rubbing his eyes underneath his glasses as he entered the kitchen to find Lee in front of the stove, two paper bags full of fresh produce on the counter island. The distinct smell of cooking bacon permeated the apartment – that was what had woken Leonard up in the first place – but now he could have sworn that Lee was cracking eggs into a large glass bowl.

"Wholefoods. We eat too much take-out, I'm making omelettes."

"You like take-out."  
>"Yeah, but I figure with less hours taken up working I can finally learn to cook properly. What do you want in yours? I got lactose-free cheese."<p>

"You got me good cheese?"  
>"Uh huh. And I finally upgraded us to decent coffee, I was sick of that swill."<p>

There was a knock on the door as Lee began to grate some of the cheese onto a plate, keeping it carefully separate from the other pile he'd already made with the regular cheddar.

Leonard got up and opened the door, finding their blonde neighbor standing on the threshold, dressed in dark jeans and a plain blue sweater, her hair pulled back in a neat pony.

"Good morning, Penny."

"Good morning Leonard, Lee."

"Come on in."

"Oh, okay." She stepped inside and peered over at Lee, who was now slicing a red bell pepper.

"What's going on? I thought you usually ate breakfast on the way to the university?"

"He got the big ugly axe last night."

"I questioned the qualifications of the new department head and he fired me. Get your facts straight, Hofstadter." Lee shot at him, now adding chopped mushrooms to the mix of vegetables on his plate.

"Oh, well. That makes my reason for coming over here moot."

"What? Why?"

"Well, I don't have to work today, and I thought you both did. I'm going to the market and was wondering if you needed anything while I'm there, but I can see you've already been shopping…"

"I only went to the farmers' market, we still need some other things. Tell you what, I'll make you an omelette for breakfast, then we can take the truck to the store while Leonard goes to work."

"Oh, but I usually have oatmeal on Wednesdays…"

"Come on, make an exception. Fresh eggs – the guy who sold them to me assured me that they were all laid within the last couple of days. Plus, the mushrooms are organically grown."

"Well, I suppose I can make an exception. You have enough ingredients?"

"Sure do. Any dietary requests?"

"Uh, no, not really."  
>"Crispy bacon?"<p>

"Oh, I haven't had bacon in a long time. Yes, that would be lovely." Penny took a seat at the island bench and poked her nose into one of the bags.

"Which market did you go to? I've been looking for a farmers' market to get fresh produce."  
>"There's one a couple of miles away that operates on Wednesdays and Saturdays, I was out running this morning and found it, so I bought a few things.<p>

"Oh, baby cos lettuce! And cherry-roma tomatoes! I could make a great salad with these, do you have any chicken? Save a couple of those eggs, oh, do you have a notepad anywhere? I have a great recipe for Caesar salad that my mom makes, including a dressing from scratch."  
>"That sounds great, Penny. There's a notepad on the fridge with a pen attached. Go nuts."<p>

"Well, I'm going to take a shower…" Leonard put in, but was summarily ignored by his roommate and neighbor. He sighed and went up the hall to the bathroom, resolving to speak to Lee, again, about how they'd agreed that Penny was off-limits.

The problem with Lee was his ease with people, that he could talk to anyone, make anyone feel valued and would flirt with people without conscious thought.  
>He was also a Southern Gentleman born and bred, who'd had good manners whipped into him from early childhood, so his interactions with most women were naturally courteous. A lot of women thought of him as a 'wonderful guy' and, to Leonard's eternal shame, Lee was friends with more of Leonards' own ex-girlfriends than Leonard himself.<p>

While Leonard was showering, Lee made up two omelettes for himself and Penny, finished cooking the bacon and joined her at the kitchen island to eat, leaving the ingredients for Leonard's spread out, having turned off the hob so that the pan wouldn't get burned.

"So, not working today?"  
>"No, Wednesday is my day off. I don't do any work on my thesis, I don't do any research and I try not to do anything else if I can help it. I like to get my groceries, go to a movie, or a dance class and just have a generally relaxing day. I work most Sundays, so I can't count that as a day of rest, so I take what I can get."<br>"I like that idea. You know, this is my first real day off in about five years?"

"Really?"

"Really. Between nine-to-five at Cal Tech, weekends and Fridays at the Cheesecake Factory and visiting my family in Texas for most holidays, I haven't actually had any real time to myself for the better part of a decade."

"So this is an opportunity that you're going to grasp with both hands?"

"Absolutely. Starting with re-learning my cooking skills. Mom taught me a lot when I still lived at home, but I've lived on take-out since I came to college."

"Oh, okay. Well, I've got a few recipes that I can teach you, if you like?"

"That would be great!" Lee took the notebook out of Penny's hand and reclined on his stool, hooking a foot under the island to keep himself from overbalancing, and reached onto his desk for a pen, pulling himself back upright in one fluid motion.

"What's your specialty?" He asked, ignoring, or not noticing the look Penny was giving him.

She shook her head slightly, as if to clear it, before answering, hesitant.

"Well, I make a lot of spaghetti…"

"Great. Mom used to make it with hot-dog slices. Any objections?"

"Uh, not that I can think of."  
>"Awesome! This is going to be great, I haven't cooked properly in ages!"<p> 


	4. Chapter 4

Role Reversal 4

"Maybe this is all for the best." Lee sighed, one hand on the steering wheel of the Ranger, thinking about his work situation.

"How do you mean?" Penny asked, sitting up very straight in the passenger seat of the truck, watching the traffic around them with sharp eyes.

"Well, Mom always said, when one door closes, another one opens."

"That's pretty illogical, I mean, are the two doors connected somehow?"

"No, it's just a saying."

"Oh, one of those phrases that's supposed to be symbolic?"

"Yeah, that." Lee tilted his head to one side and flicked his blinker, changing lanes with barely a glance in his blind spot and Penny tensed up, then leaned towards him slightly, her eyes widening in terror as she caught sight of the speedometer.

"Slow down. Slow down, please, slow down!"

"What?"  
>"Lee, we really need to slow down, this isn't safe!"<p>

"What isn't safe?"  
>"Surely you can see what isn't safe, you're a physicist!"<p>

"What are you on about? I know this car, Penny, and it's limits."

"Yes, but let me do the math for you! We're going, oh dear lord, fifty-one miles an hour, and in a vehicle of this volume, if that Buick in front of us came to a stop we'd never be able to brake hard enough to not end up in a wreck!"

"Okay, okay, what speed should I be doing on this road, where the speed limit is fifty miles per hour?"

"Forty seven, at the outside."

"Fine, fine." Lee eased off the accelerator until they were a good fifty feet behind the Buick and, exactly as he expected, another car quickly filled the gap, making his deceleration completely pointless.

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"So, what are you planning on learning to cook?" Penny asked as Lee pulled a cart out of the corral and followed her into Foodland.

"Not so much learning as remembering. Both Mom and Mee-maw taught me how to cook when I was a kid, before I came to college they both insisted that I at least have rudimentary skills in the kitchen, mostly so I wouldn't starve, but I think they also wanted to avoid my current diet."  
>"Which is what?"<br>"Oh, come on, Penny, you're an observant woman."

"You and Leonard have almost exclusively eaten take-out food since I moved into the building, with the exception of breakfast."

"Exactly. I'd like to get back to cooking at least a couple of nights a week. Now, what else did we need for that salad you mentioned?"

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"Lee?"  
>"Yes, Penny?"<p>

They were getting out of the Ranger in the parking lot of 2311 Los Robles, Lee had just tugged the three large paper sacks of groceries out of the truck bed and Penny barely managed to snag the last one before he reached it, hugging it against herself as Lee locked the truck and stepped back, allowing Penny to go ahead of him towards the front of the building.

"I noticed, you bought a twelve-pack of…"

"Condoms."

"Yes, those. But you don't currently have a girlfriend."  
>"I was also a Boy Scout. Where are you going with this?" Penny skipped ahead of him and opened the door of the building, holding it open for her lanky neighbor.<p>

"Oh, well, I guess I was just wondering…" she began to turn pink, as if she suddenly realized that the question wasn't exactly appropriate.

"Why I bought condoms when I'm not in a relationship with anyone? Like I said, I was a Scout. Always pays to be prepared."

"Oh. Wouldn't it make sense to buy them in bulk? I mean, it's a product that doesn't spoil, and presumably you'll be using them for at least another two years, depending on when you want to produce a child-"

"Penny, I'm not going to buy condoms in bulk. For a start, it's creepy. For a second, they do expire, after about three years."

"Really?"  
>"Really. Check your own, if you don't believe me."<p>

"Oh."

By this time they were on the third floor, and Lee noticed that Penny suddenly sped up, skipping up the stairs ahead of him. He caught the barest glimpse of her expression as she reached the top of the stairs and realized that her entire face had gone bright pink.

He caught up with her easily, having a good eight-inch height advantage, not to mention his sporting physique, she really couldn't hope to outrun him for long on those stairs. She made it to her door, just, but Lee stopped her from going through it by deliberately putting himself into her personal space, a tactic he knew from experience stopped most women dead in their tracks.

It worked again this time, too.

"Penny, you do keep condoms, don't you? I mean, I know you just got out of a long-term relationship, but from the way you were with that guy the other day… surely you're keeping yourself safe?"

"Um, well… I…" Penny stuttered, completely wrong-footed by Lee's sudden inquiry.

"Tell you what, I've got at least half a dozen left in my nightstand, you keep this box, just in case."

"Oh, Lee…"

"Trust me, Boy Scout, remember? Better to be prepared than to have a very awkward moment when you're down to nothing but panties."

"You've had that happen?"  
>"More times than I'd like to admit. Which is why I try and keep them on hand, now. Come on, open the door and we'll put your groceries away, then you can come over to my place and help me make this Caesar salad."<p>

"Okay. Thanks, Lee."  
>"Don't mention it, especially not to Leonard."<br>"What?"

"Never mind. Let's get this ice-cream back into the freezer, shall we?"

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Leonard trudged up the stairs towards his apartment, and paused just outside, the unmistakable sound of female laughter piquing his interest as he fished his keys from the front pocket of his laptop bag.

His jaw dropped, rather spectacularly, when he opened the door.

"What the hell is going on here?" he demanded, storming across the threshold, his face like a thundercloud.

Penny was sitting on the butcher-block island in the centre of the kitchen, in short denim shorts and a pink tank top. All that he could see of Lee was his shoulders, at Penny's knee level, on the other side of the island. From Leonard's perspective, Lee's head was between Penny's knees, and Penny was leaning back on the island, laughing.

The laughter stopped abruptly when Leonard came into the room, shouting, and Penny turned her head towards the door as Lee popped up.

"Oh, hey Leonard! We're making cupcakes!"

His face slowly cleared, turning from murderous to embarrassed in a matter of seconds. He'd overreacted, spectacularly, and Lee was looking at him with one quizzical eyebrow raised, as if daring him to repeat the question.

"Uh, great! What kind?"


End file.
